I meant what I said and I said what I meant...

The mentally ill; society’s ‘lil dust-bunnies, a segment of society we sweep under the rug and try to forget about.  Psycho; a label we readily address to those who make us uncomfortable.  The world is full of people who are afflicted with clinical diagnoses from mild depression to absolute psychosis.  But who really understands the illness tormenting the person?  Does anyone realize how widespread the epidemic?  Does anyone really care?

Many of the calls dispatched either originate from, or involve, the mentally ill.  I’ve had many of my most favorite and memorable conversations with those who are less than “normal.”  The following is a list of some of my favorite quotations to date, not in any particular order:

1. I tell a man I don’t like it when people lie to me; his response: “You know what I really hate, thieves and baby rapers.”
2. We were called to an apartment because horde of ninjas was on stand-bye to take out Bin-Laden, who was hiding in a local bar: “Of course I can help you.  All I need is a lever action 30-30, a government issued Colt .45, and a pair of cowboy boots.”
3. We were called to a suicidal subject, because his girlfriend was missing: “Of course this is an emergency.  I’m worried about her.  My daddy got a meat dick.”
4. We were called to identify a man, who had sent threatening letters to the House and Senate: “I really don’t want to kill the President.  I rather like Obama.  It’s just that the FBI, and that Hillary Clinton lady, they won’t stop playing that goddamn music until I do.”
5. A local drunk had called in a report of an Officer being murdered in a parking lot.  This was his only request: “Before you take me in, could you check the bushes for my wife?  She loves lying there with all the other bodies.”
6. A Gay man with club-foot and a host of STD’s called to report a rape: “I woke up, and his dick was in my mouth.  Sure, we fooled around before, but he called me a wiener before we went to bed.  I did not give him permission to do it this time, and I want to press charges.”
7. I responded to a check the well-being, of a man yelling at the sky: “I want to hit you.  I want to punch you right in the face.  No I don’t.  I didn’t mean it. (crying) I really like you.  Why do I always do this?”
8. From the mouth of a black woman with dementia: “That boy, there in the corner; the colored one hiding in the laundry pile.  I don’t like the way he’s smiling at me.  Make him leave.” Then, while pointing directly at me: “And that white-boy can go too.”
9. After taking a suicidal subject into protective custody, his mother felt the need to explain: “Well, my son really isn’t crazy.  It’s the ghosts.  They only talk to him, and they tell him to do bad things, like masturbate and set things on fire.”
10. An alleged government contract-killer called to turn himself in: “You see, my dad was a Hit-Man, and, since he died, I have to finish his contracts in order to keep my mother from being killed.  I’m really tired of going to the bar, every Friday night, and having to kill people in front of the women.” I then ask why the murders have not been published in the local News Paper. “It’s because they control the media.  They’re really good at what they do.”

There are so many more.  I’ll feed you all like baby birds if you eat this up.  Close your eyes, stretch your necks to the sky, and open wide… Hold it… Hold it… Now that’s the ticket!

-GOAT